| OMG |
[Jun. 11th, 2005|12:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  busy | ] |
So here I am again.
It's summer time.
I am at security.
Hopefully I will get this thing underway again because I am beginning a life of complete reliance upon the internet once again.
Tonight's Schedule:
done with work at 4.
get home and smoke the first cigarette of the day (thank GOD)
Call Meredyth.
Drive around with Meredyth.
Drink some coffee/smoke some butts with Meredyth.
Have some dinner with Meredyth
Make out with Meredyth.
Have sex with Meredyth.
Smoke a cigarette.
Go to bed.
nope, nothing has changed.
(except this summer I am in love...with Joseph, mais oui)
More Later,
Marisa |
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| my gupta |
[Sep. 27th, 2004|03:42 pm] |
I also forgot to mention the wonderful conversation I had with my dear gupta last night. I miss meredyth like a fucking artery. When she comes, (and she must), everyone will love her, because she is the essence of great.
gupta i miss you...
Marisa |
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| back by demand |
[Sep. 27th, 2004|03:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | itchy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the insane aquarium theme | ] |
I've realized i have been neglecting my livejournal duties. but i didnt care for a while, and now i do. so here i am writing. (thank you spencer for the motivating response...)
I could do a whole up date thing, but f-that because people see me every day, so they know i have hives, (poison ivy?) and that i dont work very much but also dont drink very much. in fact, i dont do very much of anything besides digital imaging and procrastinating. right now i am downloading insaneaquarium delux (for the love of god, it is the most excellent game ever), and that will probably mean that i will be working even less and being mindless even more. although i guess mindless isnt the word. just not productive.
I know this is sort of silly logic, but i was thinking that maybe if the parties were better this year, that i would do more work. honestly, i think most of the time i dont do shit because i am waiting for something exciting to happen. i am content for the most part having a "nice" night, but i am still waiting for that one hugely amazing party where i am having a little too much fun. does anyone else feel like things have just fallen flat in the pary department? lets have some sweat. lets have some action. we are kenyon students. we can do this.
Hmmm....
Things I have been thinking about lately:
How divided this campus is between the pretentious/anxious/(dare i say)intellectual crowd and then....the berks/horks/bafoons. it is mind blowing to me how i can live within the same 2 square miles as these people and share absolutely nothing in common with them. i didnt even know that half of them exsisted. and they dont know i do. i always knew this, but only after the zeta party did i realize how fucking weird it is. everything i hold dear in this place means nothing to them and vice versa. are other schools like this?
my skiddishness and irrationality when it comes to "males". I am (odly) freaked out by both potential flings and potential relationships. maybe its a phase. maybe its been too long. i crush on everything that moves these days, but dont do shit about. i need to get my shit together. For the love of god, the most exciting encounter i have had in 6 months was watching franz ferdinand on the internet. i am so sexually bored.
my comps. Maybe it is a junior thing, but i have been thinking a considerable amount about what i will write my comps on. Lexi (whom i love and adore), and i were talking about this at length over a bowl of greens and turkey strips. Right now i am thinking of a comparative approach dealing with the theme of divine word as manifest through humans, (jesus, qur'an, buddah(sort of)), or tracing the development of the feminine/maternal from judaism through the virgin mary. (big surprise). It all sounds pretentious on paper. i dont care, i love it. i love miriam dean otting.
i am also regretting not going abroad. (i know what i said during the summer, this is how i work, dont make me feel worse about it). maybe i'll make up for it by having a mad around the world party in my apartment. who's in?
Marisa |
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| mark it... |
[Aug. 23rd, 2004|11:44 pm] |
point for me.
So we are leaving wednesday.
I packed and felt like a total material slut because I have just an over whelming amount of shit. OVERWHELMING. and to know there is more facing me at school. I kind of made myself sick. Please tell me other people are having that problem.
I got Ladytron's album 604. Finnally. and it was worth the wait. ladytron are pretty much the perfect band to wear black eyeliner and dance to as if you're thinking about wanting sex. as opposed to the faint where you might actually dance as if you are having sex at that moment.
speaking of the faint, hold your pants.
the faint are playing at the beachland ballroom october 8th. this is a friday. this means lets make a fucking night of it my friends. it will be like a holiday.
today meredyth and i listened to bizzare love triangle in the car ride back from burlington and it made me think of emily and i got very very sad. i have been thinking about emily a lot latly, and how utterly wrong things will feel with out her.
I hope it becomes easier. because i know i am going to feel a kind of melancholic longing when i think of her this semester.
on the way up to burlington, my mom and i listened to air and stereolab. She LOVED it. my relationship with my mom has really grown leaps and bounds this summer. She is one of my best friends now, and for a while there, i thought i could never ever say that about her. I feel myself telling her things i swore i'd never be able to. Our friendship is one of the greatest things to come out of this summer. saying that is just so out of place for me because I'm not one of those people who just gushes about how great my family is and how we are always happy and perfect and love eachother all the time. I often wonder what it would be like to have a family like that. maybe i would be happier, but i dont know. i have gained a lot of independence by not being very close with my parents. and i value that. i think my mom realizes that now, and that is why we can finally be friends.
allora, raga
sono stanchissima allora vado -finalmente- a dormire.
buonanotte a tutti....
a domani
Marisa |
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| there is no ph in fling. |
[Aug. 22nd, 2004|01:06 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  weird | ] |
Today was great. I got pleasantly high with Meredyth and her very cool and hot cousin, Sophie. Then I called steph and we went to the storm cafe, (wonderful restaurant in town, if you ever come to middlebury i will take you there...chris knows what I am talking about). We rented a *free* movie, kill bill pt two. Great, but not as engaging as the first one...and vaugely anti-climatic. right after the movie ended, my highschool friends called me and invited me to a party at my friend will terry's grandparents house. (We party there when they are gone, we call it the crack house...very fun...also, Will is going to be at kenyon in the fall, he will be the tall attractive kid with no tollerance and a penchant for booting everywhere.)
Steph and i went to this party, not knowing what to expect. We walk in the door, spot two gorgeous grey shirted boys and proceeded to command their attention the entire time we are there. They were middlebury college students, but you cant expect perfection in vermont, so i guess we were letting it slide. Unfotunately, we had to leave before we all got down like we were supposed to. not that i like doing, or am good at, that wierd "i have never met you but lets make out" shit, but after a DRY SUMMER, it would have been nice to have a little hurrah. But we left, and they look deserted waving good bye to us.
ah well, somethings are not meant to be.
However, this party as tame as it was, (nothing, absolutely nothing like the kenyon madness...but then again what the fuck is?), reminded me of how much i actually do like being social, and around people who are older than 15 and younger than 45. And that is a good enough reason to have truely enjoyed myself tonight, hook up or not.
Although very little in my life is distressing at the moment, I must say that I am looking forward to Kenyon, (no shit!), but not looking forward to the 4 days i have to spend with my granparents before getting there.
the daily routine with them consists of:
eat
sit
eat
sit
eat
sleep
this is not ok with me.
especially when my entire being will be trembling out of control anticipating my return to kenyon. I will be 2 hours away with nothing to do but stare at the walls and be force fed manicotti and meatballs. They are good, i must say, but after the 60th one i feel like dying. My dad does not understand this at all, and so i get no sympathy and only a guilt trip about how i am a spoiled ungreatful shit. and maybe i am. i dont care, at this point i am just venting because there is nothing i can do about it.
there is also nothing to do about the fact that i did not hook up with one of the willing and ready grey shirted boys. I dont know why i just didnt stay, but i have always felt that if a potential hook up is the only reason you are staying at a party, it is best to just leave. that has been my experience. when i dont follow that rule, bad bad things happen. last semester happens. fuck last semester. fuck it.
I am typing at the speed of light at the moment, and i am not sure why. It just feels good to type right now. I am on my bed, my god's gift of a bed, with my comforters and just writing any useless shit that comes out of me. i dont care.
tomorrow is my last day of work at public safety. This makes me very sad indeed. I wish i could just transport my summer jobs to kenyon with me so i could make so great money doing things i love. It might lend me some structure and productivity to my life and maybe that would help my time management.
I worry about my school work this year because right now, when i think about school i think about the copious amounts of alcohol that will be drunk and the explosive feeling i will get when i see everyone again. Does this mean i will not do my work??? I cant let that happen. Please everyone, dont let me do that. If you find me asleep in the caples elevator, i beg of you, plan an intervention this time. dont just leave me there to wake up at 8 am and wonder how i became so tactless.
Although, I know I am exctited about seeing miriam again, and thanking her from the bottom of my heart for saving me last semester. she is such an inspiration to me. and professor rhodes, who makes me flutter with awe and eagerness to learn everything of the endless depths of his knowledge.
for some reason that last expression made me think of the most unnecessarily rediculous description of a roller coaster heard on TV yesterday, which i must share with the world:
"the 'wicked twister' took the new millenium and body slammed it into submission."
WHAT?
television.
great band, awful cultural phenomenon.
oh my.
this has been a very disjointed and chatty entry. hm.
i should go to bed.
gnight.
M |
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|
| seven days left |
[Aug. 20th, 2004|04:44 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | call call :: the faint | ] |
hello hello,
I hate this fucking god damn computer. This is the third time I have had to write this ENTIRE ENTRY.
so anyway, I will try to cut all the pretentious crap, and just say:
I can't fucking wait to get the hell out of here and into the debaucherous, fashionable and familiar arms of my Kenyon people.
I am litterally obsessed with getting back on campus at this point. I cant even relate to people. I am constantly in a haze of anticipation and impatience.
To pass the time I have been obsessively cleaning my room. It was in a disgusting state. When I was working I didnt have enough time or energy to be as anal as i usually am, so i gave up and everything went to hell. My room was totally disgusting i couldnt even sleep in it. I dreamed of sleeping in cigarette butts, that is how disgusting my room was, it was permiating my sleep. Not that I am getting much lately. Although, my lack of sleep is now due to excitement rather than anxiety these days.
Anyway, in cleaning my room, i discovered that my anal-ness must have layed dormant for the summer because i had no time for it. It just all built up untill I exploded with cleaning ferver, and now, everything is shining and smelling crisply of orange clean, substance to the gods.
Also since stopping work, I have found the time to read. I have read, since tuesday, slowness by milan kundera: wonderfulwonderfulamazinglifechangingkunderahavemybabies etc, etc. Right now I am re-reading "My Name is Asher Lev" by Chaim Potok. Also an amazing book. Damn, gotta love them jews. I think Kim and I should found the "Everything in my life is Jewish except for my Christian upbringing" support group in the Fall. I think this is a marvelous idea.
also, Boston was terrrrific. We shopped our guts out, wore matching outfits, saw Modest Mouse (with wings!), drank copious amounts of coffee, and even had an emotional train station farewell to Rayya. Seeing her go was more abrupt than we all expected and I know we will miss her more than we think.
Hopefully she will come back smoking gauloises and spitting on children.
I must shower now.
counting the seconds,
Marisa
also, my hair is fine. please excuse the queeny freak out. |
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| fuck fuck fuck |
[Jul. 31st, 2004|11:32 pm] |
so i hate my hair
fuck.
i knew this was going to happen.
i want my hairs back.
fuck.
i am so sad.
marisa |
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| We're not living in America |
[Jul. 31st, 2004|07:21 pm] |
I need to tell everyone that The Sounds are fucking amazing.
Buy their album. Don't wait. Just fucking buy it. If you are feeling bored, or sad, or lonely, or hungry, or fashionable, just buy this cd and play it when youre alone. and fucking loud.
And pound your fists, and thrash your hair and sing into your broom or brush handle or dildo or stapler and feel like you're amidst the beautiful sweaty people of Kenyon....almost.
but still, go get it. I'm serious.
Marisa |
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| loose ends. |
[Jul. 31st, 2004|11:00 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Sounds :: Rock'n Roll | ] |
Gooood Morning everybody,
Some things I feel I need to mention that I have not yet mentioned:
1)Meredyth Dunsmore, you are fantastic in every way. You made my summer killer, darling. I will be lost with out you and your luminous hair. Vanity thy name will always be chicster.
2)I can't believe I failed to mention this, but about a week ago, (last monday I think), who shows up on my door step, but LAUREN WETHERBEE. (No, not just me, her bro goes to UVM.). It was so amazing. I was just coming out of a morning haze, and so seeing her kind of felt like a dream for a while. Like I said to billy, seeing her, part of my kenyon heart and soul, felt like breathing again. Oh how much fun we shall have this year....
3) Also, Phil called me last night. Meredyth had a freaky fainting spell about two seconds prior to his call, so Phil, I am very sorry if i was a little scattered and not expressing my bursting excitement to hear from you. And for serious, as soon as I gather up the courage, your letter will be mailed.
4) I got my hair cut yesterday. I was determined to do something exciting and new. The newness freaked the shit out of me at first. But now I am getting used to it. It's very mod, very "I HAVE A HAIR CUT" kind of look. The only way it looks good is with shit loads of eyeliner. oh well. I hope its not hooker chic.
5)I got home from work and watched the Kerry speech my dad taped for me. I cried a lot. Maybe because it is a time of incredible tension, in the world and in my life, or maybe because I am having my period. But still, his speech was better than I expected. I am still not sure if I will vote for for him because I like Kerry or because I hate Bush.
6) I am going to Boston on Friday to see Lauren, Noni and Rayya. Sometimes if I think about it too much, I make myself sweat.
7) I am talking to Emily online right now. Miss the shit out of her fine ass.
gotta gets me some eggs,
M |
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| Also.... |
[Jul. 29th, 2004|09:28 pm] |
Anyone remember "berk"?
we need to bring it into the ver-nac next fall.
like whoah.
M |
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| HEY LAUREN |
[Jul. 29th, 2004|09:17 pm] |
|
Check it out:
We are the only members in the f-1 singles club.
Bangin' like pregnant!
Marisa |
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|
| Hat Hair |
[Jul. 29th, 2004|07:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the radio | ] |
Hello again,
My dedication to Live Journal is indicative of my patterns in life in general:
I am consistently inconsistent.
And that is the best way to describe me.
So anyway.....
What has happened since I last wrote huh?
Well, insomnia still strikes in spells. Thankfully i have not had the urge to share my ramblings with the world.
I have been working lots of night shifts lately and have not been able to see the convention. Its really pissing me off. But my parents are taping Kerry for me tonight.
At this moment I am feeling sad and hopeless about America's fate. Farenheit 9/11 brings attention to what needs changing, I cant help but feel crushed and small before I let the fury rise. I cried reading the NY times (online no less), this morning. From what I can see, Kerry's PR people have him prancing around as Bush lite.
It's all a bunch of bullshit. Is it sad that I'm voting for him because I am voting against bush. because lets face it, this election is not about kerry it's about getting bush the fuck out of office. That is the best we can do at this point and it is un-democratic and unfair.
fin.
speaking of un-democracy, getting clearance for early housing at Kenyon is like wadding through shit. I have been working my ass off trying to contact people in my free time about this. I want to make this sound really legitimate, because it is, so:
This is my argument thus far:
We need to get in early because:
This is a big rebuilding year for us, we need a solid grasp on things before we start in the fall.
We need to clean the office and booth up, (they were left in shambles),
Locate the computer because it was stolen and who the fuck knows what happened to it, or if it can be used.
Test the signal see if it even works.
theres more but the point is, i feel that this is kind of dumpy. I dont want to be rejected.
I am calling this guy tomorrow (if possible), please help me out. We can fudge a little right?? Come up with some good excuses. Come on you graduated people, you know how the system works. Will they actually check who comes to campus? will they actually care if we dont get this shit done?? Any good ideas to get us in there and make it sound like it is absolutely DIRE to get in there would be great.
Idea?
Call me tonight:
802 443 5916
anytime after 11 and before 1 am.
Help a radio station out.
I am getting my hair cut tomorrow. At "Tonic" by "Aveva" Time: 3:00pm. I am excited/gut barfingly anxious. Right now I am thinking:
What if they cut my hair off and my identity goes with it?
what if they cut my hair off and my soul goes with it.?
what if they cut my hair and I can't recognize myself?
I cant chicken out but i will. i am going to get there and say, "trim please". I am a fucking Lame-O.
Anyone seen natalie portman lately? hate the actress, but god daaaaaaamn her hair is great, makes me want to cathartically cut all my curly dark tresses off with the nearest sharp object.....(is it funny that the nearest sharp object to me in this office are scissors? or does that ruin the potential of the joke? irony?)
AHHH! TWO MORE HOURS.
10-24
M |
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| Post modern somnia |
[Jul. 23rd, 2004|09:37 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Eliot Smith :: Figure 8 | ] |
one more thing i forgot to mention::
insomnia also makes you blindly poetic.
no sleep and all angst makes writing a pretentious crap shoot
feeling much more chipper this morning thanks to the emerald charm of nyquil and some eliot smith, (who knew!)
marathon working is next 3 days/12 hours a day....
ready.....
GO!
M |
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| Insomnia |
[Jul. 23rd, 2004|02:12 am] |
So the insomnia has hit once again.
Back as fucking relentless as ever.
I thought all of this was over after the horror of last semester ended, but i guess its remains are still rattling, echoing around inside my skull, keeping me from thinking rationally.
I think what really keeps me awake are things i know i should have done that i didnt. Things i will never be able to do because i was too god damned scared to do them when the opportunity was staring at me in the fucking face saying "take me". and theres nothing i can do now but watch it play out again and again and again and again.
It's a never ending filmstrip. It never stops. Too much free time is too much thinking and so i am constantly bound to work, to cleaning, to fucking anything to get this shit to at least play in the background for a while. Sleep lays an exposed sheet, ready and blank for any of my thoughts to be projected on, haunting and magnified in the acuteness of my dreams.
And so sleep is not an option.
I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling this way when there is no one around. when i am the only person awake in this house, on this street, in this fucking town. the lonliness is what makes insomnia unbearable. it's being awake with nothing but anxiety and regret and glowing screens, tv, computer, pulsating with driving relentles energy. it makes me wide eyed and wasted feeling. books require too much concentration. the words are too easily blurred by over tired eyes and intrusive, wandering senarios.
now i just wait.
until i can trick myself into being too distraced to realize that i am falling asleep inspite of my racing, raving mind.
M |
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| with passion! |
[Jul. 16th, 2004|01:05 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Talisman :: Air | ] |
Hellooo Everybody,
Well today was fantastic.
I got the morning off to do nothing but lounge around in my pinstripe pyjamas and lay in bed with the sun filtering through the slits in the blinds. divine.
I went to work in the evening (4-12 my favorite shift). I worked with a woman named Deb who I really disliked before I realized she's fucking awesome. Its always great to be surprised by a great person. Makes life a gem.
Right now I am listening to Ce Matin La by Air. The funky happy "blaagagagaga"s just came in and it makes me feel like I am on the cote d'ivoire.
Earlier today, in my morning glory, I spoke to Colin online. He can't speak English really untill the German school is over, so he was writing all in German. I understood everything he said, (not ever knowing the language,) and it reminded me how much I miss the linguist in me. I need to start with the french and italian and maybe german now. I am so ambitious lately.
Funny think happened tonight at Public Safety.
I was working with Chris. OCD. No joke. He does all these weird things. One of them being opening all the blinds in the bathroom windows. One of the windows looks out onto the drive where all the officers park their vans. I always have to shut them before I forget and pull my pants down and flash the night watchmen.
Tonight, as I was shutting the blind when who but Officer 212 pulls up and gets out of his van. He looks in and says hi, direct and friendly as always. Immediatly after he and I both realize i am in the bathroom, and we shared another awkward moment of tension. I was amused.
Later, he came up to me and said all professional like: "Marisa, I hope you were not thinking that I was trying to be too personal earlier when I said hello. I didnt realize that was the bathroom window right away". I kind of laughed it off, and told him not to worry.
But god damn.
It all made me want his holster even more. *oh shit!*
On another more substantial note, my summer project is creating a portfolio of portraits. I just got my digital camera fixed up again, so I've been going crazy. I was my only subject for a while, but i found that to be kind of jarring and vain, and finally I convinced mere and my mom to let me photograph them. Its great fun. The make up. the lighting. the colors. the backdrops. all in the name of beauty and aesthtics.
I needed to be creative again. Ive just spent too many months putzing around, being a waste of space. Productivity makes me so happy.
So I've decided that I am going to do an entire series by the time i get to Kenyon in the fall. I am more excited about this than I have been about anything in a long time.
how about i go to bed now.
yes, how bout that.
Goodnight all you fine people,
M |
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| the magic number is..... |
[Jul. 15th, 2004|12:22 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  satisfied | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the shit on the radio :: Edwin McCain, I think | ] |
Ok ok, I know.
I have been gone for a good while now, and I've decided that now, as the clouds of fury and complete boredom and chaos subside...is a nice
time to settle back down, put finger to keyboard and begin anew.
Where did I go, you ask?
Well for a while, things were so boring and insufferable that there was
literally nothing to write about except for my frequent and opressive bouts of
anxiety. This whole month there have been a huge amount of ups and downs,
which is why I haven't been writing too consistently. Or at all really.
About 3 weeks ago the tranquility of summer wore off and the lonliness of summer
kicked in.
I sort of fell into the weird mind set i was in at the end of the year:
working constantly (so as to distract myself from myself), drinking gallons of
coffee, insomnia striking everywhere and nyquil making everything just that
much more foggy. Inevitably i started to think about all that end of the year
bullshit. It all makes me cripplingly angry and turns me into a raving
lunatic. My parents were so fucking fed up with me. And i dont blame them. I
cried when we ran out of peanut butter.
Just when I thought I was going to fucking go nuts, Meredyth finally came home
from being an orientation leader at UVM and the summer of Gupta was immediately underway.
Meredyth and I didnt really know eachother untill we had a world history with Mr.
Mooney, (affectionatly known as Moon-dog) senior year. To escape the horrors
of
our class we retreated into ourselves. (award: Most inside jokes ever shared between two people.) Every time I am home and she is
not its sort of like living with out arms. I dont really see anyone but her,
but that's ok. the other day we watched the paris hilton video. all 42
minutes. and we loved it. so truly, i am connected with her at the heart, and
she is making my summer wonderful again.
Also highlighting the summer thus far, was Chris' visit. I was worried I
would bore the hell out of him, but we actually had a fucking great time.
Chris went over our itinerary pretty thoroughly in his entry, but my favorite
part was when Chris put on my jeans, sunglasses and faux-halk, (his not mine)
and strutted the fuck into town. I was kinda eighties-ed out myself. We went
to the bank talked about the rapture in line, and smoked a cigarette by the
falls. For just an hour or so and for the first time in history, Middlebury
was the most bad ass spot in VT. I am afraid it will never reach that
point untill VT is graced by the Gray again. Sigh. Guess that means you're
comming back, bro. Fo sheeeez.
So then Chris, sadly and I still miss miss miss him, left and I went on working. But first I bought some fake glasses and I love them and you can suck a cock if you dont. Plus people dont recognise me when i sport them, thus cutting down on the "oh great to see you!" bullshit factor that is rampant around here.
Besides the ho hum quotidian pace of a small vermont town, things are going well. Very well actually. In fact, I am at this moment working at Public Safety, (thats "security" in kenyon speak). The previously mentioned officer is working my shift tonight.
Officer 212.
When I checked his 11-20 (me: 200 to 212, can i get your 11-20?)he was in the office, so as he reported back (him: "11-21 -- 125 south main street"), he winked and smiled,
I giggled into the dispatcher.
me: 10-4....he
___________
I have since gotten home:
When we, (officer 212 and I) left we had quick little walk together to the parking lot. It was dark and had just rained. steamy black top. He knows I want him and if he were 20 years younger we'd be makin' out. But he's fourty, (I mean, maybe 35), and has a wife and kids, so it was slightly awkward. But nice.
I miss boys.
Make that men.
Alright, sleep.
I'm totally 10-42,
M |
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| The Average American |
[Jun. 24th, 2004|10:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Stereolab :: Instant O in the Universe | ] |
Ahhhh!
A long haitus from live journal comes to an end.
Frankly I had no real reason not to write except for the fact that my life is so boring that there is nothing to write about.
But today something kind of big occured.
Yes, yes, I am engaged to Andy Dick.
Joke.
But really.
Annie Hopkinson is one of the book girls I work with.
We have a very odd history.
Abbreviated history:
This one time, I was dating a boy, WD
(Matt + Angst - Social Skills [is that even possible?] = WD)
The day before my birthday, he broke up with me. (almost exactly a year after cooke [asshole + money + asshole = Cooke] dumped me on my birthday)
The day OF my birthday Annie fucks WD in the woods.
At my birthday party.
So I kind of hated her for a long time. Actually I hated her until today.
She goes to St. Andrews University in Scotland, and durring our lunch break today we talked about it.
I have been toying with the idea of going abroad for a little while now. I dont know if it will happen. I frankly dont know if I have the guts to go. Kenyon is my home now and I'm not going to have it forever, so why would I leave it for a semester?
I keep having dreams about going abroad.
I have this reccuring dream where I am in the streets of London and everything is cobble stone and stained glass and a man in a night cap smiles at me and I feel happy and safe.
Although not in London, Annie told me that St. Andrews is an amazing place and she loves it and she thinks I would love it.(she was very friendly about it, invited me to stay with her and everything...isnt it great when things change like that?)
The best part: It has a renowned divinitiy (read: theology) school also.
The way she described it, it sounded like Kenyon, Scotish University style.
And that sounds bangin to me.
Bangific.
Also, Prince William goes there.
Ahem.
What?
Oh....
My real reasons for leaving are mainly to save myself from going insane at Kenyon. I really cannot take the chance, like I did last semester, of sticking it through. I should have left second semester this year. I can't afford to have no way out if the same thing happens this year.
On a more positive note, going abroad would be just marvelous. Especially for my major. Because since when doesnt european catholosism rock harder than american?
And to scotland no less.
Not to shabby if I say so myself.
I went to the website, I checked out the admissions stuff.
The deadline for spring semester is October 31st which gives me plenty of time to think.
I will be at school for a while before I decide if I actually want to, need to, leave. I will have a few months to feel my way around the semester and see if I can stay for a year.
This is a huge huge decision for me. But I really think I want to go through with it.
Another plus, is I will be close to a lot of abroad friends. Which would be absolutely heavenly.
and then on the shitty side of things --
It will mean that I don't see Emily for a year.
And it means that I don't see Noni for half a year.
This may prevent me from going.
You think I'm kidding.
Also, I just went for a run today.
It was good because it was the first day.
My lungs are holding up pretty well considering my addiction to tar.
Also, webmail is not working on my computer. So no emails for a couple days. Its starting to piss me off.
So, if you haven't gotten a response from me in a while, it doesnt mean I don't care, it just means my computer is a fucking bitch.
Miss you still,
M |
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| It brings a tear... |
[Jun. 19th, 2004|11:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Miles Davis | ] |
This week has been just crazy.
I don't do anything but work.
Last night...well, last night was tiring. I catered a wedding party. Weird because I have never catered shit in my life.
And I wasn't even catering shit, it was an array of coffees and salads.
I got payed 100 dollars. So it was worth it.
Tonight I worked at Public Safety again.
I kind of have a crush on one of the married, fourty year old security officers. He's very funny and charming and wears a uniform.
And a gun.
Let me present to you an odd parodox:
I do not support guns.
I do not believe in anyone needing a gun.
I hate murder, violence, excessive paranoia about "the terrorists" or "they gypsies" or whatever people think is out there.
Hunting makes me ill.
So why, why does the gun scene in the matrix make me feel all tingly?
Why do men in official uniforms with gun holsters give me that flighty girly feeling?
What is it about big guns that is so facinating?
Is it their blackness?
It is their badness?
Is it the symbol, the mere suggestion of so much power, so much potential for destruction...and protection?
The mystery, (I have never held a gun...ever)?
I do not know. I am unable to reconcile these clashing views.
All of this facination led me to be a hit woman for halloween once. I had a long black trench coat, big black boots and a super chunky "real gun" looking squirt gun that I spray painted black. I felt like the baddest woman alive that night. And it was just a plastic gun.
I think this might have some sort of connection to my dislike of babies. And maybe it is also linked to my obsession/phobia of blood. I do not know.
I am very affraid of knives though.
Knives give me a very uneasy, churning feeling in my guts.
I don't use knives very often at all.
I could never ever
ever
work for cutco, emily.
Instead, I work for public safety. Where there are guns.
But anyway.
I worked 8 hours with Jim today.
Jim is not the security officer I have a crush on.
Jim is a wonderful, sweet hearted gentleman who has taken me under his wing at the office. We have bizzare ammounts in common.
We went over favorite foods and movies today we both really like woody allen and donuts.
I showed him my LiveJournal and Friendster pages. He thinks my friends are very cool.
We also talked about drugs.
You guys would love him, he makes a lot of coke jokes.*
He felt very sorry for the dog with the "I eat Poop" sign. He said, "that is so cruel! he cant even read!".
Also, Joey is leaving us.
by us i mean US
of A
He is leaving the country. Going to Israel. His "homeland". Whatever.
Just because God promises you and all your ancestors a big piece of land to live and procreate on doesn't mean you actually HAVE to go there. For a whole fucking YEAR.
I mean, Jesus Christ, way to be a big fat over acheiver Jew.
(end of silly religious studies dork humor)
and end of this email aparently.
I am very very tired.
worked 22 hours in the past two days.
goodnight moon
M
*I say that because I feel like we make a lot of coke jokes too. Has anyone else noticed this trend? |
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| Audio Survey |
[Jun. 14th, 2004|10:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | determined | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | daft punk :: around the world (this music video is amazing) | ] |
Things are going well with both jobs.
I just got payed 245 dollars at the book job, and it made me very happy.
But it is starting to get a little stale. I can only listen to so much music. I can only day dream so much. (although you would be surprised how elaborate the day dreams become while marking the erotic poetry books...ooh, cheap laugh)
No but really.
I need a little help from my friends.
And this is my proposition:
If you have a minute where youre bored, the kind of bored where you would do stupid mindless things just to amuse yourself, take a minute and ramble using the recording feature on your computer or a tape player or whatever the following questions, (one, 4, all whatever)
1. What is your favorite album and why?
does your favorite album have to be by your favorite artist?
Why or why not?
2. What was the most die hard crush youve ever had and why?
why do you think you get crushes on people? is it the looks only? is it their mystery and unreachable-ness? or is it potential?
If you have a crush on one of your best friends, is it a crush, or are you in love?
3. Have you ever farted when you wish you didnt? Do you think it's immature to be embarassed about farting?
4. If you could pick anyone in the world to have never met, who would it be? If you didnt meet them, would you still be the person you are today? of not, would you be more ignorant, or happier?
5. Along those lines, is it ok to hate someone with out knowing them? is it ok to hate someone because they have wronged a friend? on the other hand, is it ok to pardon someone who has wronged a friend because they have not wronged you? (the classic "well, I can't judge them because they've never done anything to me personally")
6. if you were an animal what would you be? if you could be any animal what would you chose to be? (classic questions, but rediculously fun to answer).
7. Most underrated band of all time. Discuss.
8. If america is so bad, why dont we all move, huh? would you?
9. Trend watch: Some freshmen girls prance around in very low cut jeans and cropped shirts exposing their birth controll patch like:
a)an accessory, it is stylish and cute or
b) an advertisement, they are a walking billboard to bang.
Express how this makes you feel.
Ok that should give you enough to rant about. Also if that doesnt satisfy you, you can just talk about anything in the world ever. Really, talk about your regularity. I will be thrilled. THRILLED.
It sounds shitty.(haha! pun!), having to talk and send stuff -- But really, its no worse than writing it, in one of those chain email things. Send me the file (files) in an email, (or send me a tape to my addressL 46 south street middlebury VT 05753.)
And I will send everyone who sends me a tape (or cd or file or whatever) something in return. actually anything in the mail is good. even lint in a box. So no, this is not a completely selfish endeavor. Also, wont it be nice to hear eachother's voices again?
Maybe we could even set up a sending tree.
Like someone would send something to someone in a box, and then they would add something and send it to the next person, and so on.
and then the person at the end would report everything that was put into the box and by whom. Or maybe it could even be like a piece of art. Everyone could add on to a mini ever evolving comunal piece of art that we send to eachother periodically, and then at the end of the summer...we have a really cool creation.
Anyway, I like these ideas. And i'd love to have my job be lightened and illuminated by the cherub like voices of my friends. So think about these ideas. And get back to me.
The 802 is getting dreadful lonely.
M |
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| Hornia |
[Jun. 13th, 2004|11:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | John B | ] |
I'm sorry I am just feeling the need to explode about some music:
Air :: If you don't see the beauty in Air then you are not a human being. Brilliant, and they just keep getting better and better. I expected Talkie Walkie to be shit, but it's the best stuff yet. And they're not pretentious, or "sceney" or "indie" or whatever. They just are. They are just amazing. Fucking amazing. Air could be my favorite band of this decade. I mean, I think I may like Air more than the Flaming Lips, maybe more than Radiohead. Air is just divine.
Explosions in the Sky :: The Earth Is Not A Cold Dead Place might be the closest human kind has coming to capturing emotion, particularly love I think, in musical form. Other music conjures emotion, and Explosions IS emotion. It flows so delicate and profound, but not that "meaningful" profound, but that actual physical body-wraking profound. I can't imagine why in God's name an album like this exists while Beyonce Knowles wins 7 grammys.
Franz Ferdianand :: I am incredibly into these guys right now, (I know, I know, along with the rest of the world), but really it's that good. The whole album truly beautiful rock music. Even the up beat stuff is gorgeous. Especially Auf Asche. Gotta be one of the best songs in the past 5 years. Hands down.
Al Green :: How the hell can one person make so much amazing music?? Every song is like a little gem of love and happiness, (if you get the joke...you are cooler than everyone else).
These Days -- Nico :: The first 3 seconds of this song are unparalleled. Everyone loves this song, because everyone knows that it is so true.
TV on the Radio :: Like I said to Billy tonight: Staring at the Sun is the most beautiful angry song ever. And it is, like most of TV on the Radio actually. They have been described as a "heartless" band. But it is so obviously the opposite. I mean would a heartless band call WKCO and ask for Josh...personally? Plus, with lyrics like: "I will be your accident, If you will be my ambulance", they may be one of the most romantic bands these days.
You Send me -- Sam Cooke :: Speaking of romantic, this songs makes me blush, laugh, sigh and go weak in the knees all in a matter of 2 minutes.
Also:
http://www.btinternet.com/~betarecordings/americangirls/johnb_american_girls.swf
This is amazing. No one has seen it. and it needs to be seen. We need to get an mp3 of it and play it at every dance party ever.
M |
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